6.32am, Wednesday 22nd Feb, Gate 32, Calgary Airport, Alberta, Canada
***Thanks, Calgary Airport, for the free wi fi. If a town wants to get folks on side and interested in what’s going on there – free wi i is the way to go.
Now here’s more of the glamorous stuff, folks. I thought I’d just give you an idea of how things work out here when you’re going from Canada to the USA or vice versa.
We start with the checkout and being pleasant at 5am at the hotel, taxi to the airport, through the maze of check-in and on with the suitcase to US customs, answer 20 questions about why so many frequent US to Canada and back border crossings and still remaining pleasant, drop luggage off, go to security – shoes off, I pad out, everything from pockets into bag, through metal detector, alarm goes off because of knee replacement, wand and pat down search, hand luggage search, all clear. Shoes back on, retrieve money, move on to Tim Hortons coffee stand for breakfast. Get extra coffee cup, find Gate 32, sultana bran from reseal sandwich bag into spare coffee cup with milk for breakfast plus banana for $1.67! Have brekky with a clown on his mobile phone talking big money deals very loudly. Hard to remain pleasant!
And this is why, folks, you try and make longer stays using one city as a base to keep the patdowns and flights to a minimum.
4.17pm – same day but two flights later – in the lobby at The Westin Hotel, Minneapolis, Minnesota, USA
I didn’t finish this morning, folks – got called to the plane. But I wanted to run you through the really mad bit – worthy of its own stand-up comedy material, I’m sure! It’s the ‘board the plane’ routine.
My favourite – the traveling business bloke – talking on the mobile phone right until wheels up! All big money stuff and life threateningly important, I’m sure! They have the wheelie suitcase bulging and jam it at force into a much too small space. And then they take off the jacket and fold it and put it in above the case – holding folks up and talking on the phone the whole time. If you’re unlucky enough to be in the aisle seat in line with where they’re shoving stuff into the overhead storage – you either get their crotch or their backside shoved into your ear for good measure! If you think I’m making this up – watch carefully next time you’re on a plane – you’ll see him. The business bloke.